life lessons
on my ipod: Kill by Jimmy Eat World
In the past few months, I experienced a lot of failures in my life. Some of them are quite funny, and all of them are a learning experience for me. I guess you could say that these failures changed my outlook in life in general. For someone who has a fear for failure, these changes seem hard to accept, especially the fact that I am only human and most t
hings that are happening are beyond my control. All I can do is just embrace it and live life.
Life lesson #1: Learn the value of friendship.
Ever since the start of the year, I have been totally wrapped up in my own world that I forgot my friends. I fell out of touch with most of them and I had a fall out with some. I made it part of my New Year’s resolution to get in touch again with them and patch things up with those who I had hurt. I’m slowly getting there.
Last February 4, I spent 2 days in Puerto Galera with my friends, just us, with no significant others. It was the first time in almost 3 years that I did something without my boyfriend there, and for the first time in years, I felt totally free. We totally had a blast, just lounging at the beach and drinking to: “long life, good looks and happy sex.” Despite the fact that the boat on our way back to civilization almost sunk and we were stuck in the middle of the shark-infested open sea, it was a total bonding experience for us.
Then two weeks after that, it was the big day for me and the 'ol wrestling crew. It was RAW in Manila for 2 days, February 24-25, and I felt a sudden rush of déjà vu. It seemed like yesterday when I was a 10-year old kid when I watched wrestling for the first time with my wrestling buddy Cha. Twelve years later, here we are again, in the same arena, with another wrestling event, but with better seats (we spent all our holiday bonuses ringside seats, but it was worth it). This time though, we had a new cast, it was me, Cha, her siblings Carmen and Carlo, and the "Tres Amigos": my boyfriend Brian, his friend Maddy and my favorite person in the world, Bab. The show was totally fun (proof of it is I lost my voice for 3 days), but I'm just glad that even after 12 years, some things just never change.
Life lesson # 2: Nobody could make you happy but you.
Someone sent me this message a while ago: "Life is full of contradictions. Sometimes it's crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly, people suffer because you care. You have to unlearn to know the lesson, you have to give up because you are strong, you have to be wrong to make things right. Nonetheless, life's complexities are also life's source of beauty. We should cry to laugh again, fall apart to be whole again and get hurt to love again." It really got to me because that just summarized what I went through for the past year.
I grew up feeling that I always had something to prove, be it career, relationships and life in general. I always put a lot of pressure to myself, till I finally reached my breaking point. And when the I-can't-take-it-anymore feeling came, I had to let go, losing myself in the process.
Early last year marked the end of my what-could-have-been-flourishing media career. It was a very difficult decision for me to do, since it was something that I envisioned myself doing ever since I was a kid. But when I was finally there, I felt that I was in the point of no return, and I was suffocated, making those around me miserable as well, so I walked away. Walking away and giving up is something I do not like to do, but the pain felt less because I knew I always had Brian to support me.
Then just this year, as Brian and I are celebrating our 3rd year together, we decided to call it quits. It came as a shock to everyone around us, since we were labeled as the "perfect" couple. But we came to the point where we weren't growing as individuals instead we're becoming too dependent on each other. Although we're not closing any doors to the possibility that we might get back together in the future, for now, we're on our own.
So now, here I am. I don't have anything that most people consider to be the definition of success: career and a stable relationship. But for the first time in my life, I feel totally free. I am not completely happy with my life; I am still in the process of finding myself but for now, I'm OK.
Life lesson # 3: People change, even you.
I just thought about this a few days ago, when I was talking to my old high school buddy Carlo. Whenever you talk to your old friends, tendency is you reminisce about the past and laugh about stuff that you did back then. That's when I realized that I am not the same Lally that I was back then.
Gone is the scrawny 12-year old kid who tries to juggle school with ballet with dreams of being the star of The New York Ballet Theatre. Gone is the self-conscious high school cheerleader who worries about passing Advanced Algebra, snagging a hot prom date and finding the perfect prom gown. Gone is the workaholic college girl who is trying to figure out how to balance her schedule of cheerleading practice, theatre practice, thesis proposal and part-time job while securing a really impressive job after graduation. Gone is the proud Events Planner who thinks highly of herself because at 19, she thinks she already accomplished a lot and the only thing that is missing is for her to finish her Master's degree as a ticket to being the head honcho before she's 25.
When I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes I can barely recognize myself. I am still me, but in a way, I'm not. I have matured, learned a lot of things and have a different outlook in life. I am still in the process of figuring out what I want, how to achieve it and be completely happy. The things that seemed important to me in the past doesn't seem so important to me anymore. Sometimes I wish I could go back, but then, I wouldn't be this person now if not for the mistakes and experiences that I had in the past.
The last couple of months served as a wake-up call for me. It wasn't fun, to be honest, to be heartbroken, giving up something and rebuild yourself. But as they always say: "Its not how many times you fall, but its how you pick up yourself and move on." I fell, now I'm picking up the pieces and walking again…wearing my hot pink Jimmy Choo stilettos of course.
my childhood hero
